


(Don't) Let Me Go

by isaytheenay



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Steve is sick again and Bucky tries to make him better again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-08
Updated: 2014-08-08
Packaged: 2018-02-12 08:58:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2103543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isaytheenay/pseuds/isaytheenay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Y’ever…” Again, Steve seemed to rethink his words, but with a final breath, he asked what was on his mind: “Ever wonder if the world would be better off without you…?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	(Don't) Let Me Go

Steve gasped, his eyes closed tight as he focused on evening out his  _breathing_ again. His arms shook terribly and his entire body trembled as he tried to hold himself up. His body was covered in sweat, his hair sticking to his forehead and his shirt clinging uncomfortably to his pale skin.

Another cough ravaged his lungs, sending burning pain through his chest again. God, why was it so damn hard to just _breathe._

Steve folded his arm over the seat and rested his head in the crook of his elbow, a flush crawling up the back of his neck and settling on his cheeks. He bit his lower lip – inwardly grimacing at the foul taste – and curled in on himself a little. It was humiliating. Bucky had only gotten back from his second shift at the yard, and what did he come home to? Steve once again bent over in the bathroom, his body ridding itself of what little food he could afford to eat that day.

Beside him, he heard the toilet flush and felt Bucky’s hand on his back, rubbing small soothing circles. “It’s okay,” Bucky murmured, his hand now resting more firmly against his shoulder. Steve willed himself to stop shaking so damn much. “It’s over now. Just gonna need to get some rest.”

“I can get back to the bedroom,” Steve muttered back, raising his head and wiping his eyes. He sniffled and cleared his throat, speaking up more. “I made some sandwiches earlier for when you got back. You’ve had a long shift, you don’t need to look after me.”

“’Course I need to look after you,” he said, and Steve could hear the sympathetic smile in his voice. “It’s what I’ve always done. Not gonna stop now for a sandwich.”

Steve couldn’t help smiling, despite it all. He pulled back a bit, taking a deep breath, or at least trying to; he had yet another coughing fit and clutched at the toilet in front of him. Bucky’s hand tightened on his shoulder.

“Do you want me to get the—”

Steve shook his head quickly. He didn’t need his medicine. He could do this.

Bucky sighed, rubbing his back again until his cough subsided.

“I think,” Steve started, his voice strained, “that that’s the last of it.” This time, he breathed in more carefully, relieved when nothing happened. He hated using the nebulizer sometimes. “I got this Buck, go on ahead.”

“I’ll “go on ahead” when I know you’re well.” Steve resisted rolling his eyes. Sometimes, he wondered just how much of his stubbornness had rubbed off on Bucky.

Taking a moment, Steve pulled back from the toilet, sitting upright. He tried to get his footing, shifting from sitting back on his knees to kneeling, one foot on the floor beneath him. Bucky’s hand remained steady, a grounding presence. He never helped him get up, not too much; he knew Steve hated being helped at his weakest. It made him feel vulnerable and pathetic, like he couldn’t get by on his own. Even when they first met, Steve had snapped at Bucky for getting his nose involved in something that didn’t concern him. Steve had enough pride for the both of them.

Trembling all over again, Steve managed to get himself up on his feet, leaning heavily on the toilet and then the counter beside them. Bucky stood slowly along with him, watching carefully. Steve was already panting, stopping every few inches of progress he’d made to catch his breath. It was hard to watch sometimes. Bucky couldn’t possibly count the number of times he simply wanted to pick Steve up and carry him off to bed to save them the struggle of it all. But at the same time, he knew Steve would never forgive him for it. He’d even be willing to bet that Steve would demand to be taken back so he could do it himself.

Shuffling out of the bathroom, Steve grit his teeth and forced himself on. It wasn’t going to be that long, not even five minutes if he really—

Suddenly he was falling. His right leg simply gave out beneath him. Hands scrambling to grab and surface, his body twisted and he closed his eyes, bracing himself for the pain when—

“Hey!” Bucky’s arms were around him before anything worse could happen. Steve’s elbow had collided with the counter but otherwise, he’d swooped in just in time. He held him steady, both of them breathing quickly. “You’re fine, alright? Not too bad…” Steve drew his elbow to his chest slowly and breathed deep, his head hanging forward. Bucky’s chest tightened painfully: Steve looked utterly defeated.

“C’mon, Steve,” he said softly, squeezing his arms around him a little. “Not that much longer, just gotta get some solid footing this time.”

Steve shook his head slowly. “Buck…”

“I won’t carry you, I swear. Just gonna help you up, alright?” Sighing softly to himself, he leaned forward and pressed his lips to the back of Steve’s neck, burying his nose into his hair for a moment. “You can do this,” he whispered quietly, speaking close to his ear so he could still hear him.

“I…” Steve let out a long breath, and Bucky frowned, waiting. “I can’t...”

Bucky shook his head, not letting him finish. “That ain’t like you.” He hoisted him up a little, not realizing his heart was racing until he watched Steve manage to get his feet beneath him again. “You’re not quittin’ on me.”

“Bucky, I…” His voice wavered and he bit his lip, hard, forcing the tears back.

He adjusted his hold on him, nodding quickly – more for the sake of reassuring himself, telling himself that it was just like old times, that Steve could make it back on his own. “Don’t give up, Stevie, you’re gonna make it just fine, I’ll make sure you don’t fall, just keep going, _please_ —”

“I can’t _do it,_ Buck, alright?!” His voice rang so sharp that Bucky froze on the spot. He averted his eyes to the ground, not failing to notice the way Steve’s body still shook. Even holding to Steve as tight as he was, he couldn’t steady him. “I just,” Steve shook his head and sniffled again, the one hand that clung to the counter now coming to rest over Bucky’s arm. “Just take me back to bed…”

He didn’t’ say anything. He shifted Steve in his arms, wrapping one arm around his this waist while using the other to pull Steve’s arm around his shoulder. It was a little awkward given their size and height differences, but he tried his damnedest to make it comfortable for Steve. In hindsight, he probably wouldn’t have cared one way or another; his eyes were closed and his face, pale and exhausted, buried into his shoulder. Bucky took on his whole weight, practically dragging him back into the bedroom and turning him to lay him down on the bed. When he was flat on the bed, Bucky slid a hand behind his neck and lifted him carefully, placing all of his own pillows under his head and neck. He’d found that it helped Steve breathe a little better.

All the while, Steve refused to meet Bucky’s concerned gaze. He’d been sick so many times before, but this time he truly felt worn down. He could combat with so many different illnesses on top of all of his other problems – asthma, arrhythmia, problems with his stomach too – but he wondered if his body had reached a point where it simply couldn’t go on.

Bucky not only had to work three jobs, but take on a fourth now that Steve couldn’t even stand on his own.

“I’ll be right back,” he said, and he was out of the room, only to come back with a glass of water. Steve took it silently, still unwilling to meet Bucky’s eyes. He’d pulled up a chair beside him again, taking the glass back with a sad, forced smile when Steve handed it over. Steve watched him set the glass down on the small bedside table, glancing at the asthma nebulizer and a few other bottles beside it.

Bucky leaned forward on his elbows, his head tilted to one side as he watched Steve. Even in his state he remained defiant; his lower lip jutted out in a pout and his eyes remained anywhere but on him. He managed a small smile, reaching a hand out and resting it on Steve’s wrist. “You’ll get it.”

Steve didn’t reply. Instead, he sighed and closed his eyes, the annoyance in his features softening somewhat.

He pulled his hand away from Bucky’s and folded his arms.

Opening his mouth, Steve paused, closing it again. Bucky’s frown was set deep, but he waited, ignoring the ache in his heart. “Y’ever…” Again, he seemed to rethink his words, but with a final breath, he asked what was on his mind: “Ever wonder if the world would be better off without you…?”

Bucky felt his jaw drop. Of all the things Steve had ever asked, this… “No.” He stated it clear and firm, making damn sure he heard him. “Never. And neither should you.” It was hard to speak when his throat was so tight.

Steve shrugged, and when he opened his eyes again to look Bucky in the eye, he swore that Steve was the exact image of his mother before she passed. It chilled him straight to the bone. “Why do you do this?”

“You know damn well,” he snapped, but the tears in his eyes easily betrayed his anger.

“You shouldn’t…” He coughed again, his body lurching painfully as he turned away from Bucky. He let it pass and took in a ragged breath before continuing. “Shouldn’t have to do all this, Buck…”

“Doesn’t matter what I should or shouldn’t do, it doesn’t mean a damn thing when it comes to you.” He shifted the chair closer and reached for Steve’s elbow, tugging gently on it, but with an underlying sense of urgency that they both couldn’t ignore.

“I just… it isn’t fair that you do all this, work all the time while I sit here at home, throwing up and coughin’ and…” He shook his head. “It’s just one step closer I am to dying.”

“Y-you… you shut up _right now_ , Rogers,” Bucky hissed, now squeezing Steve’s arms until his knuckles turned white. “The only thing that ain’t fuckin’ fair is that someone as good and noble and _perfect_ as you has to take this all the time. I keep prayin’ to God every night that you’ll one day wake up and never get sick again, but that bastard doesn’t listen to a thing I say!”

Steve lowered his eyes again. His eyes were stinging again.

“I’m taking care of you for the rest of my life if I have to. I don’t care. I want to do this, alright? The world wouldn’t be better off without you, because I wouldn’t have you, I’d be alone by myself. There’s ain’t a damn soul in the world like you, okay?” He shook Steve’s arm, forcing their eyes to meet again. Bucky had tears falling down his cheeks, and Steve suddenly felt horribly guilty. He raised his arm and extended his hand towards Bucky’s cheek, wiping his tears away. Bucky clutched at his forearm, his thumb stroking over his skin. With his other hand, he wiped away the rest of his tears, forcing himself to calm down.

“It’s selfish,” he said after a minute, leaning into Steve’s hand. “It’s what I am, Steve, I know I am. Part of why I take care of you because I don’t want anyone else doing it. I know you better than any doctor would and I told your mom I’d do it. But this isn’t some obligation, I’m not expecting anything back. I just want you to be okay. I hate seeing you like this and it makes me wanna help you get better any way I can.”

Steve managed a smile, full of love and endearment. “Just having you here is enough,” he murmured, and Bucky finally smiled back. He leaned forward and Steve curled his hand behind the back of Bucky’s neck, closing his eyes as he kissed his forehead. He leaned into the touch happily, never wanting it to end. Bucky brushed his hair aside gently, pressing another kiss into his skin before sitting back down.

Steve left his hand around Bucky’s neck and Bucky kept his hold on his arm, a silent promise to never let the other go.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to thegambitgirl on tumblr for this prompt!!


End file.
